How Do I Survive the Holidays
When I'm Missing My Loved Ones?

by Robbie Frank

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For many of us, this will be the first Christmas after the loss of a loved one and we may find ourselves wondering how we are going to survive the holidays when we are filled with grief. I thought I'd share an essay written by my friend Robbie Frank, who is missing several loved ones this Christmas. You can read Robbie's original article plus more about the process of grief HERE.

Driving home from working out this morning, I happened to listen to a radio program about grief.  How can we get through the holidays when our loved one is gone?  A spouse, a child, any family member, knowing their chair will be empty.  The first thanksgiving dinner without them. The first Christmas without them.  

People will not know what to say.  They’ll say the wrong thing.  How can I hold my mind together?  Will I be able to smile when someone says something that is so wrong, even though they’re trying so hard to be nice?  What if someone would ask me if I’m doing ok, and I really tell them how I feel?  Do they really want to know?  Those were all thoughts I had when we lost our loved ones.  Dad died in a car accident, our daughter Lexie passed away after a 3 1/2 year fight with disabilities and, not long afterwards, my mom of cancer, all within 5 years. I'd had no time to grieve the deaths individually, so they all crowded in on me after Mom died.

Miss you guys…

Each year after that, it was “The day she went to heaven”, “The first Christmas without her”, “Lexie’s Birthday” and they were all hard, especially that first year.I thought it would  be good to make a list of things that would have been helpful to me during that time .  I didn’t know how to go through grief, I didn’t have any guidelines, I just got up every day and got dressed and made it as best I could.  Just in case you are going to have to face one of those difficult times, or maybe you’re going to be with someone who has gone through a difficult loss I hope some of these things will be helpful.

Guidelines For Those Grieving:

• Make a list of what would really help you during this time and send it to friends and family ahead of time. Keep trying to go to outings.  The more you practice and talk about how you’re doing, the easier it will become.
  
  
• Think of things you loved about your loved one and tell people you’d like to set aside a time to talk about them.
  
  
•  It’s ok to cry. Don’t apologize, just be free to have those moments and know it’s ok.  Tell people it might happen and that you’re going to be ok, but sometimes tears will come.
  
  
• It’s ok not to answer your phone and to not call people back.  Many times their messages will be just what you needed to hear that day.
  
  
• Have pictures around of your loved one.
  
  
• Maybe even set a place for that person at the table when it’s a special occasion.
  
  
• Hang their stockings on the fireplace.
  
  
• Don’t feel bad when you can’t do what you used to do.  Just rest.  It’s ok. No set time of when you will be better.  One day at a time.
  
  
• When someone asks how many children you have, and one of your angels is in heaven, tell them how many on earth, and how many in heaven.

Guidelines For Friends and Family:

• Just go.  Don’t worry about what to say.  Hug.  and Hug again.  Sometimes all that’s needed is “I’m so sorry”.
  
  
• Ask me how I’m doing, but if you do, be ready that I might not be doing too well.  Give me freedom to not be ok, and know that I just need time. Let me cry if I want to.
  
  
•  Mourn with those who mourn.  Maybe it will be appropriate to just cry with me.  You don’t have to fix me.  Just be with me.  Crying is good.
  
  
•  If you don’t know what to say, just hug.  Hugs are so needed.  You don’t have to say anything.
  
  
• Talk about my loved one.  Say good things about them.  You don’t have to say the perfect thing.
  
  
• You don’t need to try and make mefeel better.  Pain is something I need to feel and walk through.
  
  
• No set time of when things will be back to normal.  Things will always be different from now on.  Walking through death can make us bitter or better.
  
  
• For me, I loved to talk about God, and worship, and was so thankful when people brought those things along with them.  They didn’t have to say anything.  Just read scripture and listen to worship with me.
  
  
• Some days it was hard for me to be in a group of people who wanted to make jokes. Don’t try to make small talk or jokes when you don’t know what to say.  Silence and hugs are the best medicine.
  
  
• Some days I may not want to talk about myselfs at all.  I may be desperate for something else to talk about.  Let me make the decision.
  
  
• You won’t know what to do.  It’s ok.  Just be there, hug, and love me.  Put your arm around me from time to time and let me know you will be there and I are not alone.

Each year does get a little easier, just like they say.  Not that we don’t miss them, but that the physical pain isn’t as great.  Those special days we will always miss them, but it doesn’t hurt as much the rest of the year.  And then some day, you’ll have to walk someone else through the difficult time you went through, and you’ll know what to do.

How Will I Know When I’m Getting Better?

One thing I constantly worried about was “Am I doing ok?”  I guess somewhere in my crazy head I thought I’d be able to get back to life a little better, since I knew Lexie was dying. Oops, wrong assumption.  But I guess it was good to check in once in a while and ask myself that question.

• One day I realized I actually cared about whether my plants got watered.  It was a good feeling.  To care again, and I was beginning to recover.
  
  
• I cared about what we were going to have for dinner.  Started cooking.
  
  
• Got a facial.  Cared about my looks.
  
  
• Started exercising.  Cared about my health.

Get togethers with extended family.... Holiday get-togethers.... Should you go or shouldn’t you?  Yes.  To everyone.  The best thing for everyone is to be together and not be alone on holidays.  Of course you have permission to say no. You can always change your mind later.  I’m a better person now.  I have more compassion, more love, more of everything because God gave us Lexie.  Because He walked me through the Valley of the Shadow of death and we came out the other side.  I trust Him.  I’m stronger, wiser and full of more love than I ever thought possible for those going through trouble.  Yes, some days I get sad, but I’m the best I can be today and grateful for her life.

I pray that this holiday is the best one ever and you don’t miss a thing.

You can read Robbie's original article plus more about the process of grief HERE.

Must Read Resource:

What is a Family by Edith Schaeffer. Edith Schaeffer is one of my personal heroines and this is perhaps her finest work. This amazing book explains how you can make your family life rich with meaning and memories. It is in my Top 10 list of best books I've ever read and I highly recommend everyone read it.

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